Our Old "Friend": Guilt (Guest Post)

Guest Post by Two Wise Chicks
Post Design by Christy Zigweid
Photo by Myriams-Fotos via Pixabay made using @WordSwagApp

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We've been meaning to talk about guilt for some time now.

Guilt is a feeling that is familiar to most of us - some more than others of course. And it's something that comes up in our own lives, and with clients.

But can it be a good thing to experience guilty feelings?

Well...yes and no.

On the positive side, guilt can be a way of keeping ourselves in check, a moral compass if you will. It alerts us to the possibility that our behaviour is poor, unkind, even cruel or abusive.

Guilt is our gut-check, the internal compass that lets us know it is time to make amends.

But what if we feel guilt even when we've done nothing technically wrong?

What if we are so accustomed to feeling guilty that we don't even check to see if it's the correct feeling for the situation?

Photo courtesy of Two Wise Chicks

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The list of potential "Guilt Trips" we can take ourselves on is endless:

• Do you feel guilty saying "no"?
• Do you feel guilty when you eat something you enjoy? ( How can eating be 'wrong??!')
• Do you feel guilty that you are at work while your children are in the care of your partner or a paid childcare service?
• Do you feel guilty if you choose what to have for dinner instead of going with your partner's choice?
• Do you feel guilty asking for what you want for your birthday?
• Do you feel guilty if you're feeling sad on a night out with your friends?
• Do you feel guilty asking for even the smallest of favors?
• Do you feel guilty if you are sexually attracted to someone other than your partner?
• Do you feel guilty at the thought of asking your partner for something sexually pleasurable?

We think 'Toxic Guilt' should come with a health warning!

Guilt keeps us in VICTIM MODE. For example, after getting a sub-par meal, we might say to ourselves 'Oh I couldn't complain to the staff about that... I'd feel so GUILTY!' Telling ourselves we'd feel guilty allows us to dodge responsibility - and keeps us stuck well within our dubious 'Comfort Zone.'

Guilt keeps us stuck. It causes us to do things we don't really want to - or not do things we might enjoy - for fear of imagined rejection or judgement. By allowing guilt to go unchecked in our lives, we cheat ourselves  out of reaching our potential, and we miss opportunities for joy and fulfillment.
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For us, the simplest way to erase unnecessary guilt from our lives is to ask ourselves the question:

"Have I just done something that's actually wrong?"

If we haven't, then our guilt is undeserved, unnecessary and pointless. There is no learning to be gained from it. Just pain. So we can choose to let it go.

Side note: We would benefit from identifying what we are REALLY FEELING in these situations. Maybe it's insecurity. Maybe it's shame. Maybe it's fear. Whatever it is, it is NOT guilt.

What better time than now to end this tradition of guilt. Instead, let's start a new tradition of responsibility and self-care.

Imagine the freedom?!!

With guilt-free love,

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About the Authors

Sally O’Reilly

Sally wants to help create a world of compassion for ourselves and others. A world where mistakes are allowed, gender roles don’t exist, sex ed in schools is a real thing and everyone dances – lovely! As a psychologist and psychotherapist in Ireland, she’s worked for nearly twenty years in private practice, with adults and trainee adults of all ages. She blogs on her own website, is a feature writer for super duper parenting website Voiceboks.com, does print and radio media work and has been known to Tweet. She’s the one running our Twitter page!

When she’s not working, you will find her engrossed in Science Fiction or some dark and Danish TV show, listening to music, watching the sea (while really, really wishing it were warmer), or figuring out how to work Lightroom on her Mac. All while munching on Bombay mix.

#multitasker!
She’s happiest when dancing and erm…. her cat has his own Facebook page. We won’t link to that, it’s too embarrassing..
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Tanya Tinney

Tanya looks forward to living in a world where people know their worth, respect boundaries, and always have time for tea and chocolate. A magic bubble that protects her from sticky fingers, hormonal girls and dog hair would be awesome as well.

Her education and much of her training is in the areas of psychology and human potential.  She worked as a licensed psychologist for over 14 years, with 10 of those years spent building her own successful private practice.  In total, she has over 20 years of varied experience working, volunteering for non-profit agencies, and consulting to small business. Most recently she has launched her dream online coaching practice where she gets to work with motivated, amazing women who need help overcoming life’s hurdles. Exciting times!

She has lived in Ireland, Ethiopia (okay, just 6 months), Canada, and currently lives in central Texas with her husband, three girls (including fraternal twins), two dogs and three cats.

When she’s not finding ‘everyday moments’ to write about here or on her own blog, you can find her being walked by her dogs, unearthing unidentifiable food-objects under the couch cushions or baking her famous banana bread.

Tanya runs our Facebook page – and not to be outdone by Sally’s cat, her dog has its own Facebook page too.​