Hi, so, my name is Demi, and I live with Depression and Anxiety. It all started many years ago, but got worse when my grandmother passed away 2011. Six Months later, someone tried murdering my brother, it was a week before Christmas, too. I detereorated, then 6 months after that, June 2014, before my grandmothers death anniversary, I was on holiday in Isle Of Man on my own, visiting some 'friends', I was 15, the police and social services had to police escort me home. I was a victim of grooming. I had a lot of therapy and classes after that. I didn't get diagnosed with anything then. It wasn't until I revealed a matter of something that happened when I was little to the college, which became a safeguarding issue, Jan 2014, that things got bad again, I got over that, but then17th March, 2 weeks after my 17th, I nearly lost my mum. May, I got an official diagnostics of depression and anxiety. My life since has spiralled out of control and 9 months on, I'm still battling these illnesses and and fighting for help and people to listen to us, but I'm still here, I'm campaigning for mental health in March, and will be doing a skydiving event for Mind. I'm slowly going to raise money, make a difference to this world, and do everything in my will to save those around me battling a mental health problem, including myself. I love each and every one of my friends, especially those with mental health issues, like PTSD, depression, anxiety, BPD, Bipolar, and so much more. All the best, Demi
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My story started when I was in high school. I was in year 10 and going along well. I was academic, sporty, involved in community activities and had a good group of friends. One girl joined our friendship group towards the end of this year. We opened up and let her in as she didn’t seem to have many friends of her own. All of a sudden the dynamic of this group changed once we started school the following year. This new girl to our group didn’t seem to like me and I was unsure as to why. She started making comments about me to other people and before I knew it my friendship group didn’t even seem to even acknowledge me anymore. I was made to feel isolated and excluded and I was confused as to why. What had I done wrong? I felt I had to try and make a new group of friends and quickly otherwise high school would have been a terribly lonely place. Having to try and make new friends in year 11 when friendship groups really seemed to be developed by this point was hard. I was upset with my friends for acting the way they did and listening to the mean comments being made about me. This girl continued to bully me throughout high school and gave me a tough time. I was just looking forward to finishing high school as I felt I’d be better suited to university life- being able to be independent without worrying about being bullied or ridiculed. Once I was at uni, life seemed great. I was studying in my dream course, living with my boyfriend and mental health issues weren’t even on the cards. Things took a turn once my boyfriend and I broke up halfway through my first year of uni. We were best friends, together for 3 1/2 years and did everything together. He was my rock. So when we were no longer together and I had to learn to do things on my own I felt lost. This is a feeling I wasn’t used to and I didn’t know how to cope. I started to feel down more often than not and couldn’t seem to stop myself from crying and experiencing negative emotions. I decided to be proactive and went to my GP to seek help. I told him how I was feeling and he referred me to a psychologist. She helped me to face these emotions and work through them. This was a really confronting experience as I generally push away negative emotions so I don’t have to deal with them. After this I felt better. The negative emotions were going away and more positive emotions seemed to be coming through. I continued to use the counselling services provided at uni to try and get my life back on track. I was making friends at uni and focusing on my studies. It was still really hard to completely readjust my life and start fresh. It was a real mental battle that I struggled with but eventually I started to feel on top of things again and enjoy life for myself. I had made new friends and was no longer worried about feeling alone. In 2013, I moved away from my home town near the city to a more rural location. The closeness and great community feel gave me a sense of belonging. I became involved with local sporting and community groups and landed myself a job at a wonderful and supportive organisation. I had made some really good friends and had a boyfriend too. I was learning to live away from home and be independent. However, what I didn’t realise was that I wasn’t actually being fully independent. I’d lived my life following the ways of other people, whether it be family, teachers or a boyfriend. I had never truly experience adult autonomy. So at the start of 2014 when my boyfriend and I broke up I began to spiral again. I was unable to cope with the negative emotions I was feeling. I felt lost and empty. Nothing in my life seemed to have meaning anymore. I felt that I had no direction. Soon after, I spoke to a work colleague about how I was feeling. I broke down in tears and she could see how distressed I was. She suggested trying mood stabilisers to help me get back on track. I decided to make an appointment with my GP to discuss this with her. She could also see my distress so agreed for me to try the medication. A few days later I started to feel the anxiety building up. I was shaking and crying uncontrollably. My heart was beating so fast and the pain I felt in my heart wouldn’t seem to go away. I rushed over to my friends’ house as I thought talking about my feelings may help me to get passed them. We were out for a walk when I broke down. Again, I was crying uncontrollably and couldn’t bare these feelings of distress. Having no control over the situation I was in made it hard for me to cope. I was asking ‘why me?, ‘what have I done?’. I couldn’t seem to make sense of this all in my head. I went back to the doctors shaking, crying and feeling helpless. She believed that the mood stabilisers had reacted with other medication I was on which made the side effects worse causing me to have extreme anxiety. I was admitted to hospital with severe anxiety and depression. I had the medication flushed from my system and nurses there to keep me calm. I was still in a daze, I wasn’t really sure what was going on. I sat there on the hospital bed, being poked and prodded, nurses surrounding me but everything was a blur. I felt alone, unable to move. I just sat there feeling numb and empty. This is it. I am having a breakdown. I have hit rock bottom. The next couple of days I spent in the hospital with my mental health being monitored. I had no appetite, no motivation, I felt nothing. I never once had suicidal thoughts but I felt so far down with no way of getting out. I couldn’t see the light at the tunnel and just felt like I had nothing to look forward to. My best friend had just gone overseas, my parents and other friends were also away on holidays and I was stuck feeling as though I had little support. Nothing seemed to mean anything to me anymore. Food had no taste, words had no meaning. I felt empty and alone. Whilst I was in hospital I was well supported. I had nurses checking on me and visits from a social worker and psychologist. A few days later I was discharged from hospital. I had follow up visits with my GP and the psychologist. I was determined to sort out my life again and get back to being the happy, motivated person that I know I was. I hated feeling so down and depressed. I wanted to be proactive in seeking help. I continued to see my GP who wrote up a mental health script for me which referred me to a social worker. This was great as it offered me 6 free sessions with a professional to work through my depression and anxiety. I have worked really hard to overcome my mental health issues and am learning to understand ways to manage my depression and anxiety. I have been seeking help and learning to cope and sit with negative emotions. I openly discuss how I am feeling with my friends and family. Everybody in their life will experience negative emotions at some point and it is important to understand that it is okay to have these feelings. It is about learning to deal with uncomfortable emotions rather than trying to run away from them. It is okay to talk to others about how you are feeling or to seek help. I want to encourage others to know that it is okay not to be okay and that you are not alone. Everybody should be able to talk about their feelings openly without being judged. Poor mental health is not a sign of weakness. It is a sign of strength for a person to be able to talk to somebody about how they are feeling or to admit they need help. Lauren can be found on Twitter: @loza_1818. She has a Facebook Page dedicated to raising money and awareness of mental health issues and hopes to spread the message far and wide. She is planning to trek the Himalayas in order to raise awareness for Black Dog Institute and positive mental health. If you are interested at all please check it out! https://www.facebook.com/trektohappiness. I began treatment with Zyprexa in January. I was diagnosed with having a “psychosis”. I was informed that I would need to stay on this medication for the rest of my life. As it turns out, Zyprexa is intended to treat people who are psychotic (schizophrenic, etc.) and not intended for long time treatment. The reason I had gone to see a doctor was because I had obsessive thoughts regarding a personal matter that was becoming distressing to the point that it was interfering with my daily life. I was seeing a psychologist at the time for bilateral atypical facial pain, depression, and anxiety. We began discussing treatment options and I was referred to a psychiatrist. It is clear to me now that I was misdiagnosed or at the very least given haphazard treatment and advice regarding my problems with ruminations and obsessive thinking. It is important to note that I used Zyprexa for obsessive thinking/ruminations before. At the age of 19 I was prescribed Zyprexa at an Outpatient Mental Health Clinic (run by a Private University) – the only care I could afford or had access to. Additionally, during brief periods of incarceration I used Zyprexa and other medications that were prescribed by “Jail Psychiatrists”. However, it is my conclusion that based on the mismanagement of my mental health (being passed on from Dr. to Dr. or clinic to clinic) and lack of “collective care” (within the Mental Health System) that led to my medication being mismanaged. May 2008 I finished a Bachelor of Science degree and resigned from a 4 year tenure in a high level corporate environment (Property Management). I had attended university full time whilst juggling a full time high level executive position for close to 5 years. I don’t know anyone that’s psychotic that manages 65 people, is on call 24/7, and attends university full time. But I was in so much (mental) anguish because of my ruminations that I “bought” what the Doctor was “selling”. Given that I had used the drug before (and it worked) it was an obvious choice for the Doctor (an easy decision for him to justify). May/June 2008 (After approximately 5 months of using zyprexa) I met with my psychiatrist and informed him that I had been experiencing severe side effects with zyprexa (weight gain, erectile dysfunction, elevated prolactin levels, and more). He insisted that I just stop the medication completely; even though I questioned these methods (psychotropic medications should always be titrated). I did not sleep for four days once I discontinued zyprexa. I contacted my physician and he wanted to put me on sleeping pills. I declined. I asked if we should try titration of the Zyprexa and he agreed. However, even after titration of the drug (as 4 days had already passed without the medication) I had trouble sleeping. Therefore, I was prescribed Ambien and then Lunesta to sleep. Finally, after lunesta was not helping (and my physician was asking me to take two at night) I called and spoke with him on a Saturday afternoon. I had been suffering from sleep deprivation for 2 weeks (only sleeping for 2-4 hours a night). I was extremely depressed, and suffering from withdrawal symptoms from zyprexa. He asked that I stop using lunesta (again, with no titration of the drug) and that eventually my body would just “give up” and I would fall asleep. The only other option that he offered was to call in a “cocktail” of drugs that would definitely put me to sleep. I told him that this was not an option for me. I was always a healthy, fit, outgoing and personable young man who now could not sleep, suffered from severe depression (withdrawal symptoms) and sleep deprivation. I told him enough was enough and I wanted to see him to get to the bottom of this. I wasn’t getting any better, I was getting sicker. Therefore, we scheduled an appointment for the coming Monday to discuss my concerns. June 15 2008 I took my last lunesta and had a night of no sleep. I woke up extremely depressed and broke down into tears. I contacted my family who live in ——————- (It is important to note that my family and I have a “strained” relationship, so the fact that I was calling them was a cause for concern). They said they would visit me so they could accompany me to see this “Dr.” to ask what was going on. I still could not sleep, so I decided to watch the European cup soccer tournament. I made a lethal mistake by drinking approximately five beers watching a soccer match. Please be aware it was about 14 hrs since having my last Lunesta. That was the only medication I was on after titration of zyprexa, which had been discontinued about 2 days earlier. I idiotically thought perhaps a few beers would help me sleep. Immediately during the ingestion of approximately five beers, I felt a “numbing” sensation. I IMMEDIATELY experienced the following symptoms – 1) Felt as if I had “no emotions” 2) Could not “feel anything” 2) Inattention – could see what was on TV but could not “absorb” any information 3) Could not read (lasted 3 weeks) 3) Memory loss / was extremely disoriented / Confused / 4) Visual processing problems (could not focus on moving objects / saw “trails”) 5) Visual perception problems / Felt like I was in a “trance” or was constantly “staring” 6) Had no sense of time 7) Had no sense of “self” / no “soul 8) Mind feels “blank” / 9) Had bad perception of the floor, ceiling, height and slope I called the psychiatrist who prescribed the medication and advised that I had these problems after I drank; I was told to “SLEEP IT OFF” as the only harm from drinking a day or so later from taking a lunesta would make me tired and he would see me the following day. When I saw this psychiatrist the following day, he immediately informed me that my “psychosis” had returned and asked that I begin taking anti-psychotics (Geodon). However, my family and I knew that I was not psychotic, nor were the symptoms I was experiencing normal. They were likely caused as a result of the withdrawal symptoms of these drugs and the combination of alcohol and no sleep. These HORRIFIC DISABLING symptoms lasted for 6-8 months until I was finally able to be diagnosed with Chronic Depersonalization Disorder. During this time (due to the severity of my Depersonalization) I developed severe depression, agoraphobia, I was afraid of the dark, my symptoms were so severe that I was suspected of suffering a traumatic brain injury! Since this took place (on June 15), I have seen a number of doctors. Some of these doctors knew me prior to this incident so they could see that something had changed. Some of my symptoms have come and gone but one remains constant, it is a feeling of detachment, dissociation, lack of memory, focus, sense of time, and reality. I also must note that only thru paying almost $400 a month to continue my Insurance from my previous employer via “COBRA” was I able to obtain the type of care I received. Had I not had the money to afford these visits, see various doctors, or have these tests covered, I would likely have ended up in an insane asylum. The following is a brief synopsis of the appointments and tests I had (and findings) since June 15 2008 – – 62+ appointments with specialists in neurology, psychiatry, psychology, etc. – Standard and 24 hour EEG – both normal – Brain and C-Spine MRI – both normal – Brain SPECT Scan – normal – Neurological Labs & tests – normal - Neuropsychological testing (full 15 units) – ABNORMAL (see below) – Meetings with my neurologist and (NEW) psychiatrist from the ————- came to the following conclusions – 1) I should have not been given zyprexa, although this medication can be used at the discretion of the physician (even for severe cases of OCD or “off label use”) it should not be a “first choice” for obsessive thoughts. I AM NOT psychotic and this medication is harmful. They also advised that this medication (and others) can NEVER be stopped without a gradual reduction (titration of the drug). In addition, I was misdiagnosed (told I had a psychosis – ??) 2) My symptoms were initially consistent with a brain injury (that is how severe they were); therefore, the initial diagnosis made by my neurologist was “encephalopathy of unclear etiology” 3) Neuropsychological testing concluded in November of 2008 (5 months after the incident). The Dr. met with my mother and I and advised of the following – – I was diagnosed with “Chronic Depersonalization and Derealization” as a result of the above fore mentioned process. – The combination of medication in my body (the antipsychotic and hypnotic), the no sleep, and alcohol caused this type of “experience”. – Although not included in his report, the Dr. said to both my mother and I that the “anti psychotic (zyprexa) and hypnotic (lunesta) CONTRIBUTED to me having this condition” His exact words were “you had an anti psychotic you did not need” – The exact “criteria” and/or ending diagnosis with Neuro-psychological testing was the following – 1) Axis 1 300.4 Dysthmic Disorder: Early Onset 300.02 General Anxiety Disorder 300.06 Depersonalization Disorder: CHRONIC 2) Axis 2 301.9 Personality Disorder NOS to include Obsessive Compulsive and Dependent Features 3) Axis 3 Post Concussive Syndrome x2; Atypical Facial pain / Subclinical hyperthyroidism / Incidental Right Intraventricular Chorold Plexus Cyst Conditions prior to Chronic Depersonalization – Bilateral Atypical facial pain, sub clinical hyperthyroidism, a right intraventricular chorold plexus cyst, mild (verified via previous testing) obsessive thinking and general anxiety. There is much debate and speculation whether Depersonalization is a SYMPTOM secondary to another severe psychiatric problem. However, in my case (as seen above) it has been diagnosed by itself – not secondary to any other psychiatric illness – therefore being chronic and being obtained through the process described above. – My tests also showed SEVERE deficits in my short term and long-term memory due to the severity of my chronic depersonalization and derealization disorder – visual and auditory tasks are impaired. Through the stress, anxiety, tension, and suffering caused by this process (and medication) I developed an involuntary movement condition. Three neurologists classify it as being “tics” or a “functional movement disorder”, but say, it is likely caused by an imbalance in the brain (caused by this drug reaction on June 15, 2008) my head involuntary “twitches” and “clicks” to the left (on occasion). Some Final Key Points I’d like to make – 1) I was told (in the presence of my mother) that these drugs (zyprexa and/or lunesta) contributed to my condition (Depersonalization disorder & deficits in long / short-term memory). In addition, I should not have been given zyprexa, as it is not indicated for my condition by the Dr. that conducted neuro psychological testing 2) I was told that these drugs should NEVER be stopped abruptly as they can cause severe withdrawal “effects” (as in my case) by the Dr. that conducted neuro-psychological testing, my new psychiatrist, my neurologist, and the psychologist I was seeing at the time 3) Even after June 15, the “psychiatrist” that I feel “caused” this process told me to abruptly stop an antidepressant that I was using for sleep. His answering service gave me ridiculous instructions such as – “do not listen to the pharmacist” and/or “do not even read the drug instructions, precautions, or warnings” regarding the medication I was given for sleep”. Given my mental state at the time I would then ask my current physicians at —–, who urged that I not follow this doctors advice. (Neurologist) 4) The psychologist I was seeing at the time (both prior to usage of this medication and after the incident occurred) would state things to me like “I think the Zyprexa did something to your brain” and “the whole thing is weird” (She is a PhD). 6) My new Primary Care Physician (after I explained to him my “story”) advised that Zyprexa could have made chemical changes to my brain, but if so, there is NO way to find out. He continued to mention that it is a horrible drug & is very sympathetic with my case. 7) I have since made progress but will likely be on medication for life, since June 15 I have had over 63 appointments with different specialists directly related to this chronic condition (not including my COBRA premium monthly payment of almost $400). 8) What is even sadder, is the fact that I was given the medication zyprexa once before at the age of 18-19. This was given to me at Nova Southeastern Universities Mental Health Clinic. Due to a lack of health insurance I was forced to seek help for my obsessive thoughts (OCD) at this clinic. This clinic allows you to see graduate STUDENTS for counseling and an overall evaluation. Based on that evaluation a Dr. would see you and prescribe medication (give you free samples). Can one consider that I was even given the wrong medication at this location too? Because I was evaluated by a graduate student as part of her training (who was only 2 years older than me, therefore it was very difficult to be quite personal with my problems) and there was even more of likelihood then that Eli Lilly was illegally marketing this product? This proves the disparity in our Mental Health system and more so our Health care system – had I had insurance I could have likely been exposed to better care. It is quite possible that if i had access to seeing a good psychotherapist in combination with a psychiatrist that an anti psychotic (or perhaps any medication) would NOT have been used. But in cases where people have little to no access to care (even doctors will admit to this) the “quickest fix” is used. Mental Illness is so abundant in the United States yet it is a problem that is consistently underfunded and therefore our prisons and Emergency rooms are responsible for taking care of mentally ill patients when they have little to no experience in dealing with the mentally ill! 9) These drugs have been sued for consistently causing harm to individuals (zyprexa has been sued for side effects such as Tardive Dyskensia, diabetes, and being prescribed for off label purposes. They settled cases in 2003 and 2005. However, since most of these are for people who have developed diabetes or tardive dyskensia, the attorneys I have spoken with do not feel they cannot pursue my case (I still feel that Zyprexa had some effect in this process and the Psychiatrist I was seeing at the time was negligent) as they feel that they could not prove that my injuries are “significant enough”. If Eli Lilly is still under investigation for soliciting physicians in South Florida for prescribing Zyprexa for “off-label” purposes, “ghost-writing”, and other non-ethical techniques (which are not yet deemed “illegal”), is it possible that my physician prescribed this medication because he was being “compensated” to do so? I sent inquiries to 11 different medical malpractice attorneys and/or attorneys that specialize in drug litigation. I only had the “privilege” to speak (mostly via phone) with 4-5 (Records of all my correspondence with attorneys I have spoken with have been recorded and kept in a separate document. Therefore, I began mailing that document to different drug tort attorneys, advocacy groups, and state and government officials. The results of these “mail outs” can be found in my “Mail outs and Correspondence link”. Most state that a medical malpractice suit cannot be claimed despite the amount of negligence by my psychiatrist at the time. However, the attorneys I have spoken with state that a suit against the drug manufacturer is my “best option” (given that the drug zyprexa has been sued on so many occasions). However, each one goes on to say that, my injury does not seem “significant enough.” Therefore, I continue to be referred to different attorneys, ultimately leading to no feedback or no returned calls. I wonder what “significant enough” really means? If you wake up one morning, and cannot recognize yourself in the mirror, are not sure if your dreams or memories are real, suffer from memory problems, feel like you are in a constant state of panic, derealization, or a “dream like state”, take three different medications a day (8 pills), and because of this and other factors sleep up to 14 hours a day, I would consider this “significant”. Nonetheless I was able to find a stable medication regimen that keeps my condition manageable which is the most important thing. The three medications I currently take are – Luvox 150mg, Klonopin 2.5mg, and lamictal 200mg. The University of London has a depersonalization research institute in which they recommend an antidepressant (in my case Luvox), klonopin, and lamictal to help treat depersonalization (reason for the combination of medication I take). Chris Barrett My name is Chris, a 33 Y/O male who suffers from Chronic Depersonalization (a very rare and misunderstood dissociative condition). The purpose of my BLOG is to tell my story, help fellow sufferers, raise awareness, meet others, post blogs/articles on related topics, and have constructive debate and discussion. Please feel free to visit my blog at Mydepersonalizationexperience.com I recently celebrated my 34th birthday, and with that I did the regular coming to terms with the reality that I’m not as young as my mind likes to convince myself that I am. Having an end of January birthday also gives you a ‘do-over’ for all my failed New Years resolutions…and this year was no different. So here they are: (1) Eat Healthy/Get in Shape/Feel Good (so simple, yet so required to be made…Every. Single. Year.) (2) Do more with family (and friends) My wife got me camping gear for Christmas, so I’m already looking forward to putting that to use this summer. (3) Build stuff!! I know this is very broad, and leaves lots of room for variety…but I want to build stuff. Accomplish things. Let my creativity unfold. (4) To write…which is what brings me to starting this blog today. I find that birthdays also bring on a time of reflection…looking back on the year that was. Analyzing, evaluating, and critiquing. And let me tell you, this year was something else!! From start to finish, the best way that I can describe it is that 33 was that unexpected punch in the chest that completely knocks the wind right out of you. It started out slow, built up into an absolute whirlwind in the middle, and in many ways both extreme hurt and numbness to end things off. This last year was one for the books. I wish I could say it was forgettable…but it’s not. It’s all too memorable. I told my wife, Sherry, that I wanted to start a blog. I’ve wanted to start writing. She’s wanted me to write. It seemed like perfect timing to get on that. Seemed, being the key word. “What do you want to blog about?” she asked. Especially after this last year I had no doubt in my mind what I wanted to share. “My Life…a window into my life. A little bit of what I go through, how I see things, and what it’s like to live with someone like me.” For those of you that know Sherry, and to those of you that don’t, my wife is an extremely private person. She hates attention, avoids surprises, and is completely content just blending in. I threw a “30 and Fabulous” surprise party for Sherry, and my biggest fear was that she was going to HATE the surprise. To soften the blow, I told her there was going to be a party, when that party was going to be, and what to wear. To her I don’t know what would have been worse…the surprise, or the anticipation of the unknown. Bottom line is it was a great party. She’s now 32, and still absolutely fabulous!! But the thought of putting our private life on display in any way struck literal fear in my wife. At first she very much resisted, but over time that resistance lessoned, and here I am today…writing my first blog entry with the support of the most beautiful ‘proof-reader’ I could ask for. I don’t know what my expectations are with this. I don’t even know who or how many people will even read it. But what I do know is that I want it to be real…a passage into my life. To make myself vulnerable, and break down walls I have spent years building up. It’s putting my life on display in hopes that I can maybe give a little encouragement to ‘people like me’. And to shed some light for those who have to live with, or simply don’t understand what makes us tick. Why we are the way we are, think the way we think…my life, my reality, and my future. My name is David Stone, and I live with Mental Illness. There, I said it. And with hearing those words, most are struck with awkward discomfort. Lost on how to respond. How to react. And most importantly…how to change the subject, close that door, and put a lid on that box. No one wants to know or hear anything about a grown man who’s ‘off his rocker’. That’s a book that’s best left closed on the top shelf…out of reach. Out of sight. Out of mind. There’s a stigma that comes with mental illness, and my opinion is that stigma is rooted deep in misunderstanding, misinformation, and in many cases complete ignorance. That’s what my approach is hoping to influence…I want you to get to know me. My challenges, my struggles. Accomplishments and failures. A taste of life both as a person living with mental illness, and those having to go through life with that person. I don’t intend to put myself or my family on display. I’m not looking for accolades or sympathy. Not to sound cliché, I hope to in some way be a voice to those who read this… Family. Friends. And you who somehow stumble across this. To shed some light on what it’s like living under the label of ‘mental health’, and in some way… #stopthestigma(<cliche overload) We all know someone who suffers from some form of mental illness. Wether it be anxiety, depression, bi-polar, schizophrenia, or any others. We’ve seen the impacts it has on their lives, and the lives of those close to them. It’s difficult, it’s challenging, and in many ways it’s overwhelming. But…it doesn’t have to be defeating. Life is most definitely different, but I’m slowly learning that that doesn’t mean it has to be worse. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can remember. I never once thought of it as an illness, but just the way I was. It came and it went. Many days were better than others, and I grew accustomed to it. Not knowing any differently, it all just seemed normal. Looking back, the area that had the biggest effect on my life, and still continues to this day, is in the area of trust. I’m not a completely untrusting person…not even close. But to trust someone to the point of making myself vulnerable to them is nearly non-existent. I’ve had many friends over the years, but I’ve only allowed a few to get close. I’ve never been one to have ‘best friends’, to have people to confide in…or people to confide in me. Closeness and intimacy scares me to the core. This is a fear I fight daily, and I expect to fight for as long as I live. It’s just one of the realities that is my life. This past spring/summer there were a series of events that ultimately led to my diagnosis as having ‘Narcissistic Borderline Personality Disorder’, or BPD. My depression and anxiety were spiking more than they ever had before, and I was becoming increasingly erratic and irritable. Sherry finally convinced me to see a doctor about antidepressants and mood stabilizers. This was just the beginning of what is proving to be the most challenging phase of my life. I got hit very hard by the Robyn Williams suicide. That really carved into me the reality that this depression/anxiety is not something that’s just going to go away. I began to self-harm, which until this point is something I was able to keep hidden and under control. The self-harm led to a trip to RUH emergency, which resulted in getting admitted to the Dube Centre for Mental Health. It was during my stay here that I was diagnosed with having BPD. My life since then has been, and continues to be a time of major adjustment, both for myself and my family. I work only 80% now because of my new reality, which is counselling once or twice a week, as well as regular appointments with my psychiatrist. I guess to end off this first entry I’d like to leave you with who I am: Yes, I’m BPD. Yes, I’m suicidal (yet so far not successful. <-(captain obvious)) Yes, I’m medicated. Yes, I have a life filled with therapy and psychiatrists. Yes, I self harm…as I write this I’m looking at my most recent stitches on my arm. But that’s not all that I am. I am a caring father, a loving husband, and a considerate friend. And also very importantly, I’m working my ass off to learn how to take control back of my life. I know BPD will never go away, but I also know that through hard work I can become in control OF it, and not suffer being controlled BY it. Here is a quote that I love. I share it quite regularly with Sherry, as I feel it describes quite accurately the person she has been strong enough to live with for the last 15 years of our lives. “I’m not an easy person to be with. I know that. I probably won’t even try to make it easy for you. I’ll be real difficult at times. It may seem, at times, I don’t want you, and I don’t like you, but I do. I’ll be a challenge, because I’m not the type of person who people walk all over. I’m not the person who puts up with bullshit. I’m not the person who will give you sympathy comments. When I say something, I mean it. If people are assholes to me, I cut them out of my life. I’m annoying, I’m hilarious, and I’m the worlds biggest jerk. I’ll make you want to scream and punch walls; I’ll ruin your day and then save it at the very last minute. I’ll drive you crazy and, sometimes, you’ll hate my guts. But even though all that’s going to happen, and I swear it will, I have an amazing side to me. I do. I have a giant heart. I’ll always be there when you need me. Even if my life is impossibly knotted, I’ll try and untangle yours by listening and loving. I won’t sop caring about you, not even if you push me away. You’re different from everyone else, and I like that. It’s refreshing to find someone different in the world because way too many people are all the same.” Thank you for taking the time to read this blog. Feel free to comment, and please…if you know anyone who might be interested in or be of benefit to what I have to say, please pass this on. Until next time, Thanks again. Dave Connect With Dave: Blog - hadtoomuchtodreamlastnight.wordpress.com Facebook - www.facebook.com/hadtoomuchtodreamlastnight Twitter - https://twitter.com/InkedDadBPD Tumblr - https://www.tumblr.com/blog/-hadtoomuchtodreamlastnight Instagram - http://instagram.com/dave__stone/
Worry is a habit that we usually pick up from other people. When you were a young child you probably never worried. But then you learned about something called time, you probably learnt negative ideas about the world, and you probably learnt that you are responsible for your life. All this together, with the additional belief that worrying will help with all of it, creates a troubled human being. Rather than needing to fix or correct any worry-patterns you may have, it may be useful to just see if it helps you. Intellectually it is easy to say “I know worrying does not help”, but is it possible to view the movement of worry as it arises, and directly see if it creates any positive action? Someone may be lying in bed for example. They may be worrying about a financial situation. Round and round the worry goes, like a song stuck on repeat. They feel lost in worry. It is not comfortable, and so they may try to talk themselves out of it. Thoughts like “I should just stop worrying", “I have enough money for now”, “there is no point worrying” can all arise, and rather than disabling worry, just create a greater conflict with the mind. If however, whilst the worrying was happening, they simply no longer argued with it, what would happen? Worry gives you a problem and then attempts to solve it for you. What if you completely gave up trying to stop worrying, and fully let yourself worry? Worry lives on resistance, if you give up resistance to it, it runs out of food. You may also notice, that as worry rises, contorts and speaks, it is not actually solving your problem. The person worrying about money may see that as they allow the worry to flow, the worry leads in no way to creating more money. If anything, it just uses up energy and allows no space for any new or fresh ideas to come through. So nothing needs to be done. Let it play out, call its bluff, smile at it even as it attempts to convince you that it is a useful tool for life. By itself, it will lose its grip. Here is a recent quote on my Facebook page that may help: “If you find yourself ever feeling negative or worrying about something, it can help to simply see if it helps. Does worrying about money help you get more money? Does worrying about tomorrow make tomorrow go better? Does worrying about your job help you get a better one? Does worrying about what you will say make you a more effective speaker? Worry can live in us when we unknowingly believe that it is serving us. If it is seen in itself to be a futile movement of energy, then it will not likely live on for long. If, however, you believe it helps you in some way, then it will probably feel stuck with you.” You may find that as worry comes and goes, you are the untouched space in which it moves. Adam Oakley Adam Oakley is author of the website www.InnerPeaceNow.com, a free resource for uncovering the peace within. Connect with Adam: Blog: www.innerpeacenow.com/inner-peace-blog Facebook: www.facebook.com/InnerPeaceNow Twitter: www.twitter.com/innerpeacenow1 There are a lot of people out there offering advice on how to cope with Depression. With all of the different techniques that you can try to relieve the symptoms of your Depression, how do you decide which ones to use? The coping techniques that you should use are the ones that work for you. Kind of a no-brainer, right? What I mean is that just as each of our Depression experiences are unique, so too are the coping techniques that will work for us. The majority of the advice out there pertaining to coping with Depression includes things like eating healthy, exercising, sleeping well, and using relaxation and meditation techniques. In all honesty, when I was in the midst of one of my darkest episodes of Depression, none of the standard advice was helpful (or even do-able). Exercise, eat right, and sleep regularly? Yeah, right! Now I’m not saying that this is bad advice. Some of the advice out there is great, and maybe it works for some people. But for me, it was as if the people giving this advice didn’t understand that when you’re spiralling out of control into a deep, dark place (called Depression), you can’t do any of the things that will make you happy. So, here’s what I did: I did what I felt would make me feel better. I didn’t force myself to do the things that I was “supposed” to do to feel better. I did what I wanted to do. Here is my go-to list of coping techniques that helped me through some severe episodes of Depression: 1. Cry 2. Sleep 3. Eat comfort food 4. Watch Sex and the City re-runs (or Dexter, or Family Guy…) 5. Find yourself a helpful mantra or affirmation (mine is THIS TOO SHALL PASS) 6. Hug or pet your cat (or dog, or bird, or snake…) 7. If you don’t have a pet, get yourself a nice blankie (I have about 7) 8. Reach out to someone 9. Be kind to yourself 10. Write I did (and still do) all of these things. Yes, sometimes they only offer a second or two of relief, but it's enough to break up the constant pain and misery of being Depressed. These things work for me, and I hope they work for you too. What are some of your coping techniques? Don’t forget that someone you may know may be suffering from Depression or Mental Illness in silence. Share this post throughout your social media networks, because you just never know who may need to see it. Much love, Rain My name is Rain, and this is from my blog about Depression. My goal is to share my Depression Story so that others might learn from my mistakes and find inspiration in my success. Connect with Rain: Blog: Link Facebook Page: www.facebook.com/depressioneverafter Twitter: @rain_gill Google+ Page: Link Pinterest Board: Link This morning I went in to my therapists’ office in a state-of-mind I haven’t really found myself in before when meeting with her- content and without agenda. Typically when I go in I go in ready to talk about something that made me depressed or particularly anxious during the preceding week. We’ll talk through the situation, usually focusing on the thought patterns leading up to it, talk about a mindful approach, and ultimately, what if anything I can do differently next time. That can range from learning to accept things I cannot change to taking some of my Clonidine to help manage situations that make me anxious. But today wasn’t like that. Today there wasn’t any particular issue or problem I wanted to go over. That’s not to say that the week went by without incident- anxiety and depression continue to be struggles, but lately I’m doing better and better when it comes to managing them. So what’d we talk about? Well, it was the first time I asked about recovery within the context of our weekly sessions. She had mentioned last week that she had discharged a patient which freed up her schedule a bit so that we could meet every Thursday morning instead of alternating Wednesdays and Thursdays. Between that and the broader view I’m starting to take of what recovery means, I was curious, when would I be in a position to end our therapy sessions? I was quick to clarify that I’m in no rush to, but she just as quickly reassured me that it’s a normal question. In her words, she basically gets paid to put herself out of a job, on a patient by patient basis. Therapy isn’t something that everyone needs once a week for the rest of their lives, because the goal of course is for people to get better. Not better in the sense of being cured of depression or anxiety, but better in the sense that they can successfully recognize it and manage it without it having too great of an impact on their ability to live comfortably, securely and happy. In fact, we talked about how while there’s not a hard and fast rule, her clinical experience is that it’s roughly about a year of weekly sessions when patients begin to ask. I’ve been seeing her for just about ten months. We talked about the skills I have been learning and practicing, about the medication and how I feel on it, and about the different factors that could impact my ongoing recovery (my living situation, my work, relationships, etc.). Discharging a patient isn’t something that just happens one day, it’s a mutual decision and gradual process that takes place between the therapist and the patient. Weekly schedules become biweekly, biweekly sessions become monthly, etc. After discussing it, we decided we’re going to cut back on my sessions and start meeting every two weeks. I’m feeling good about the decision. Recovery isn’t about a big significant end goal, it’s about being able to make progress towards more manageable goals, being able to look back and know that you’re doing better compared to a month ago, six months ago, or a year ago. It’s about understanding that feelings aren’t facts, and that I can make positive decisions when I don’t allow negativity to dominate my thoughts. It’s about practicing the techniques that make that understanding easier. I suppose what I’m saying, is that the progress itself is recovery. This post originally appeared at PaulsLetters.com, the exciting and mundane account of living with and treating anxiety, depression and alcoholism as an aspiring gentleman, part time rogue, and an inquiring mind. After years of struggling with mental health issues Paul Banuski began seeking treatment in the spring of 2014 and began blogging about his experiences shortly thereafter. Follow Paul on Twitter at @paulslttrs. |
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